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Sexual unwillingness? How to get your libido back

Sense of duty instead of hot euphoria? If the mere thought of sex becomes an effort, there can be many reasons for this. In fact, it’s not that hard to pinpoint the causes. Tikbow spoke with an expert about how to reawaken desire in affected women.

One thing first: If you are currently sexually reluctant, but not suffering, then nothing needs to be done about it. Sometimes there are phases in a woman’s life when sex is simply not an issue and perhaps other things take priority,” says the gynecologist and author of the book “Libido Loss in Menopause;Unveiled: All about the fabulous female body" Dr. Sheila de Liz. However, if a woman suffers from this and wishes to get her pleasure back, then of course there is a need for action." But finding out what takes away a woman’s pleasure in bed does not have to be an odyssey. If approached correctly, the solution to the problem is often found quickly;

Step 1 in case of sexual unwillingness: Clarify possible hormonal causes.

It is almost impossible that the lack of libido has organic causes," explains de Liz, "however, a hormonal imbalance can be the main cause." As a gynecologist, she therefore advises people to always go immediately to a trusted doctor to clarify the situation. The advantage: instead of spending a long time fiddling around, just a few clinical tests can shed light on the problem. "Often it turns out that the pill is the real ¨beltäter", the expert knows from her practice. It suppresses those hormones that we women also need for a crisp libido. Without them, sex quickly becomes a chore." De Liz therefore advises affected patients to radically discontinue the pill and not to try any other kind.  "In terms of contraception, there are much better alternatives nowadays."

Pain during sex also indicates a hormonal imbalance, as the skin at the vaginal entrance is too thin and easily irritated. Important: "In this case, do not force something with lubricant, but with the right hormone treatment again for the natural moisture production provide "

Step 2: Exposing the "brake pedal" in sexual lack of desire

If everything is in order hormonally, the search must be shifted to the head. In the vast majority of cases, libido problems have psychological causes,” says the expert. In order to come the internal blocker on the trace, rät de Liz to a thought experiment after the famous sex researcher Alfred Kinsey. It goes like this: When it comes to sex, we all have a gas pedal and a brake pedal in our heads. Both work around the clock, subconsciously scanning the environment for turn-offs and turn-ons. In everyday life, both pedals balance each other out, but when it comes to a sexy situation, full throttle is the order of the day. Often there is something that seems to permanently push on the brakes. "With a little thought, the first inklings come up immediately in many women. The system is überraschend uncomplicated", so the Gynäkologin.

Eroticism should be "open-ended".

An unresolved conflict with the partner, repercussions from childhood, an unresolved trauma, dissatisfaction with the body or the tiresome hunt for orgasm put the brakes on the mind, explains de Liz; de Liz explains, constant oversexualization, a lack of sensuality and mechanical procedures do their part as well. "The foreplay begins in the morning, perhaps with a message." And a tip for the men: "Sometimes it is enough to worship the female body with hours of caresses and kisses, without it immediately comes to the Äußerster. Eroticism may therefore remain open-ended, the orgasm is welcome, but not a must. Together with the question: Is what is conveyed by the media or mainstream pornography as "good sex", for me überhaupt erfüllend or do I need something completely different? Dealing with this can provide surprising “aha” effects.

Why desire pills and Co. bring with Sexunlust nothing

According to the expert, pills, pleasure food and the like do nothing and are ultimately just a waste of money. To believe that something supplied from the outside can help is wrong from the start. The problem is in the head and can only be solved there,” says de Liz. In the end, you only get more frustrated. "Our vagina is very smart. When it wants to tell us, “I don’t want this anymore, do something,” it doesn’t let up;

Loss of libido during menopause

For women going through menopause, the decline in libido is initially a normal side effect; the hormones need to readjust and the ovaries slowly shut down. Dr. Sheila de Liz also sees an opportunity in the hormonal reprogramming: “It is a bit like a new state of consciousness or soul awakening. Suddenly, many things or habits no longer seem to work, also in a sexual way. This is the moment to deal with oneself and one’s own needs anew: What do I no longer want to continue with? What is really good for me now? The insights gained from this can be tremendously liberating,” says the expert.